My Full Circle Back to Peace

The creation of this universe is miraculous! As far as we can tell, man has never achieved anything so miraculous, and although I believe we will discover and learn much more about the universe in the years ahead, I cannot imagine man achieving anything nearly as grand. Besides, as an entity of the universe, a man's creation would simply be another entity within the original universe; that pretty much sums it up.

In this post, I share with you, my personal journey through a difficult life-changing experience: one that re-shaped my beliefs and strengthened my foundation.

As a young man, I experienced the painful loss of an unborn child. This story (my experience of a full circle back to peace) began while at the hospital, having just held my son in my arms for the first and only time.  A pastor said to me: "At times like this, people tend to question why God didn't stop it, or why He allowed it to happen." He went on to say: "Just remember, Sam, only good comes from God; nothing bad comes from God." The pastor's words provided some initial comfort.  Still, each time I thought about them, they seemed more inconsistent with my fundamental belief that God is omnipotent, all knowing (past, present, and future) and the creator of all things (the universe and everything in it).

If God is all knowing, He had to have known all that would happen to my son.  Furthermore, as the creator of all things, He set the universe of actions in motion, including those that led to my son's death. Omnipotent as he is, He caused my son's fate when He set the universe in action with full knowledge of all things past, present, and future.  The idea that He designed my son's life and death as He did, shook the core of my spiritual belief, and began haunting my every thought.  I tried to rationalize the conflict, but there seemed to be only two possible rationales: 1) God is real but not good; or, 2) God is actually not real. Not wanting to accept either of these as truth, I continued to search for a more comforting conclusion. Of course with that came the risk that I may settle for an untruth merely to satisfy my fear that God may not be real.

As I shared my troubles with "believers" and "non-believers" alike, I invariably found myself in continued debate at the intersection of predestination and free will. These debates led me to a third possible rationale: 3) God is, in fact, all knowing, all powerful, and all loving as I had always believed. Perhaps His purposes are merely too complex for me (or any man for that matter) to comprehend. This idea seemed comforting, but less rational; it required that I have faith.  Wait a minute! I know that word well- "FAITH".  I asked myself: "What if I have faith that God is real and that He has divine purposes for everything, including what we consider 'bad' or 'ugly'?" The third rationale took more shape; it was beginning to sound both rational and comforting. Still, more conflict was to come.

Exploring the third rationale further, with "Faith" as a cornerstone, I stumbled upon another challenge; I began to feel like a pawn in a chess game, where God has already called all the shots, and where seemingly bad things happen to good people. The conclusion was becoming inconsistent with another belief: God is a loving God. I found it difficult to believe that a "loving God" would treat me like a pawn in a chess game, or allow bad things to happen to good people, especially the unborn. I began to ask myself "What is the incentive to be good?" and "Why not just do the things I like to do, and why not do it without conscience?" My thoughts ran through scenarios of life in such a world, and it became quite unsettling.

I knew I had not yet found peace.  After all, if we all were to live by our own rules, the world would surely find itself in chaos and become short lived. I began to think about rules and laws that might make life more sustainable. I thought about governmental laws and societal norms.  I soon concluded that it was ridiculous for me to ponder new laws for the world.

I then found myself thinking about God's laws and teachings. I asked myself "So what if I do the things He tells me to do, even if I want to do something different?" As a young boy, I learned that when I did something different from what my dad told me to do, one or more lessons soon followed; he set boundaries and rules in place to protect me - he loved me.

The bond between faithfulness and obedience grew in strength.  Pairing these two key words were simple, rational, and especially comforting: faith that God is the creator of all things; faith that He is all knowing; faith that He is a loving God; obedience to do the things He tells me to do; faith that my decisions and actions are right.  Suddenly, FAITH and OBEDIENCE took on a much deeper, personal, and more powerful meaning.

I believe that we live with finite knowledge of the universe. I believe that our knowledge establishes the boundaries of our paradigm. I believe that, in contrast, God's knowledge of the universe is infinite and that his paradigm is infinitely large and without boundaries. I wonder now if God's paradigm is void of laws and rules; perhaps they are not needed there.

Our paradigm, on the other hand, has rules and laws. We have laws of physics that include time and space. We have spiritual laws, like the ten commandments. We have societal laws like those that control passage into and out of countries. I also believe that in our more limited paradigm, God commands me to make choices and take actions towards a particular end. My choice is to be faithful and obedient, limited only by my imperfections and with my limited knowledge defined by our paradigm.

How comforting it is to realize that the answers to my most troubling spiritual concerns through this period of doubt would turn out to be so obvious, simple, and comforting! My spiritual resolutions had gone full circle: God is the creator of ALL things, not just the "good things"; God is omniscient in all aspects of the word - almighty, divine, all-knowing, fearsome; God is loving.

This powerful lesson has been passed down to my children as the legacy of their brother and my beloved son, Luke Everett Harkreader.

Faith in God, and the importance of obedience to His word, are now corner stones of my life.